You're going to have to follow me closely today because my thoughts are so full!
I am so blown away by how the Lord speaks to me and you just have to hear it...
For the past 15 months I have been blessed beyond all comprehension to have the greatest job on the planet. I am a nanny, to the 4 sweetest little blessings in my life. Not only have I gotten to be in their life consistently for the most important years of development but I am their 2nd cousin. And we are the every holiday, all birthdays, its a pretty Sunday so lets get together, kinda family. Like the I just love you so I wanted to call and talk to you type situation. The point I'm really trying to make is I am REALLY in their lives.
Being so close to them means I have shared in some of the most special moments imaginable. I have helped clean bobo's and I have been able to wipe tears. I have never laughed as hard with or cried as much over any other individuals in my life. They truly make my world so much better. I can think of times when each one of them has gone out of their way to make me laugh, like they really know my sense of humor and want to see me smile. The youngest, at 18 months can even do it. More times than I can count, after saying my goodnights and getting in my car, I have cried all the way home just because I can not believe how much I love these little boogers.
THEY ARE AMAZING!! (got it?!)
This is all leading to the sweetest part... How God uses them to speak to me.
With knowing all of this you would believe that I am satisfied to never leave and you would be spot on. The biggest problem is the Lord knows that, and He refuses to leave me the same. He wants to stretch me and expand His kingdom through me in a mightyyy way. So that is bringing me to the next season of my life.
Africa.
It is such a beautiful thing to hear the voice of the Lord and feel His presence and know His leading. I will always follow Him and where He leads me. Even if that means I wont be comfortable...
OK full circle.
When I think about having to go more then 8,000 miles away from the most precious joys in my life I just can't handle it. I get all weepy and have to walk around to dry the tears in my eyes before they stroll down my face. I have known about this for 8 months now and STILL can not get ahold of myself when I think about it. O and when they ask me questions... It. is. game. ON. I will be in the bathroom running the sink water for about 5 minutes getting out all the water works so we can move on with our day.
Serious business.
But the Lord was so sweet to me the other day to show me one more way he has used them to speak so clearly into my life... I have this calling that is so hard to explain but simply put, it is way bigger than me. I'm talking mountains and ants bigger. I don't understand it, bigger. I am ridiculously humbled by it, bigger. Just BIGGER. And a consistent prayer I have prayed all the while the Lord was planting these dreams in me and giving me such a desire for him was this... "Lord, never let me get in the way, please always be what people see. I don't want to be a good speaker, I don't want to be a pretty face. I want You to always receive the glory in my life. Whenever I do ministry and walk away from a place, if no one ever remembers my name but their life is changed by You, that is all I want." Now He is taking that to a whole new level.
I am just months away from going to Uganda and these sweet babies are going to keep their routine of life. They have school and church and the most amazing parents God could have given them. They love me and I know that. I will always be in their life and I KNOW they won't forget me. I am always welcome in their home and I will always be at their Christmas but things are about to change drastically. I am leaving. Not just for a weeks vacation (which they always give me the sweetest hugs and kisses when I come back from them). I am rolling out like this city is kicking me out. My sweet babies might not think about me everyday!?! They certainly won't see me everyday. I'm not a simple phone call away, where they can ask me to come over tomorrow to play. I am gone, and not forever but they don't understand that completely. 8 months is a large portion of their little lives!!
Can you see why this is slightly emotional yet?
So as I pray for them and the Lord speaks to me so sweetly about his plans for my life it becomes sooo evident what He is doing in me. I have requested all my life that I not be seen or noticed. That I would not feel like I "belong" in the spot light. I have always desired Him to be remembered and His presence to be left from places that I have gone to. WOW.. This is that time!
My soul desires to see salvation come to the nations. For lives to be radically changed for the cause of Christ and people to find their purpose for the glory of God. But leaving these babies and thinking of them not remembering me is the hardest thing I can think of doing. Then the Lord so gently whispers my prayers back to me..
Don't you think I know the prayers you have prayed over them? Do you not remember the words I gave you to speak to their little hearts so they would know how special they are to me? Am I not big enough to use the moments when they are children to affect their entire life?
Now what matters most? That they remember all the times I told them they were the most beautiful little girls in the world, or they just walk their entire lives knowing they are beautiful to God? If the prayer of healing doesn't stay in their thoughts all the time but their bodies are completely whole? If they don't remember me tickling them or scratching their back but they walk in the peace and joy of the Lord... does it matter?
NOW I actually believe that no matter where I go, or what I do, if I can walk away from here leaving the presence of a mighty God and lives are forever changed, the rest of my life I can play the back ground part while God ALWAYS receives the glory.
Luke 18:16 "But Jesus called to them saying, Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God."
