"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will HIMSELF restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you." - 1 Peter 5:10
I wrote this verse on a sticky note and stuck it to my work computer back in July 2016. I did it so when I would sit at my desk and cry that I could remind myself and the Lord of the truth. The truth that is His word, not just the facts alone that were true to my life and my immediate circumstance but the TRUTH. That my God is true to His Word and that He can not lie. That month in July I learned a lot of His truth.
When Cody and I first got married in March 2015, I was ready to start having kids. I am SO thankful that my sweet Studhub put a shut down on that. We decided that on our 1 year anniversary that we would start to have a conversation about it. Not before. And trust me, at 1 year (and few weeks leading up to that) I reminded him of what we had decided. After a few short talks about our age and where we were in life, I just let it all soak into my melancholy, sweet and thoughtful husbands mind. And less than 2 months after our anniversary, I was laying in bed watching Netflix (duh) Cody walked by the bedroom door and said "Well I guess I'm ready" and walked out of the room to finish the dishes..... OH EM GEE....
I freaked out, I couldn't believe it but he was ready to start a family. Before we ever met, my Studhub had told his mom "Don't plan on me ever getting married or giving you grand kids, because its probably not going to happen for me." she just told him "That's because you haven't met the right girl yet." and now, here we are, a lot of the Lords kindness later, I am the right girl and this man wants a kid!!!
We found out 3 weeks later that we were going to have a baby. I was so excited to tell Cody and he was speechless. It was fun and exciting and joyful. My heart was so settled and peaceful. We surprised all of our family on July 4th with the news. It was a sweet, sweet time.
I remembering knowing that this was the perfect timing from the Lord for us. That He was growing the Causey family and we were ready to step into a new season of life.
A week later the Dr. on the other end of the line said "spontaneous miscarriage"
That means, they don't know why, they'll never be able to find out why and they couldn't do anything about it if they did. It happens, its terrible and it is apart of 1 and 4 women's story. I laid in bed for 7 hours of intense pain and trauma and my Studhub held me and prayed over us. My mom and dad sat in our living room and just prayed. Cody told me, "We will go for blood work and find out for sure, we have a fighter in there. She's going to be ok." I love his faith, it gave me hope and reminded me in a sure way of why I love him so, so much. After the blood work came back and confirmed our heartbreak we just mourned. I was in shock, I knew that THIS wasn't supposed to be apart of our story, that THIS wasn't the TRUTH. It couldn't be.
"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will HIMSELF restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you." - 1 Peter 5:10
The whole day that we laid in that bed the Lord was there. Right there with us. I have served and loved the Lord all of my life. I have experienced Him in real ways that drew me to Him and caused me to live for Him. I have always known His love for me. But that day he held me. He held us. He was right there in our room, with us. He didn't let go. He didn't plan this but wasn't taken by surprise. He didn't want this but wasn't overwhelmed. He didn't approve, but we weren't being punished. He just was there. To mourn, love and be with us. He never left us. I remembering talking to Him, while my mom rubbed my back and Cody squeezed my head. I was in such intense pain that I wasn't able to see from the head pain and the only relief was when Cody would press in on the sides of my head. And I was talking to the Lord. I just thanked Him for being there. I didn't want to be alone. And He was there.
For a week, I told the Lord. "I don't have any questions for you. Because you don't have an answer good enough." I know me... I know that if the Lord were to say "Sarah, this happened to you, but through it a million people will be saved and spend forever with me." or "You will create world peace through this" or "I will make sure you never have another bad thing ever happen after this". It wouldn't have mattered, it wouldn't be enough. I was never going to look at any situation and trade it for my first child. I was never going to be satisfied with what could/would come from this that could be good or "glorifying". All I knew was I was broken but I still trusted Him. I never could doubt Him. Not once, for a second. It was like as it was all happening, I KNEW that He was still good. I KNEW that He loved me and that He cared for me. I just trusted Him. In the pain, in the hurt I trusted.
He was teaching me, mourning with me, and walking with me. And this is the sweetest thing He could ever have shown me about His goodness. I realized that God is good because He is God. Not because He could give me a husband that loved me, and not because He could give me a baby. Not with a big house and a good job and pretty hair or fun friends. He was GOOD because HE IS God.
Is He God to the little boy who is naked and alone in the bush of Africa who eats once a week? Is He God to the widow in India who has been cast aside? Is He God to the man who is fighting addiction? YES.
"For the Scripture says, 'Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame' For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, bestowing his riches on all who call on him. For 'everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.'"
God does not get His throne because He gives us what we want. He just IS GOD. He isn't just a good God to me because I am living in America and I have a great husband and sweet/obnoxious dogs. He isn't "good" because of our "white picket fences and perfect lives". He is GOOD because HE IS GOD. He isn't unloving and unkind to those who suffer or have pain. He isn't judging and punishing those who have less. And He certainly isn't rewarding the millionaires and CEO's of the world. He is God and He is Good for that reason alone.
If my husband leaves and forsakes me, the Lord wont. If my friends turn against me, the Lord wont. If all of my possessions are burned up and gone, the Lord will still be with me. All of this is temporary but the Lord is everlasting. If this world turns against me and I live a life of pain and suffering and turmoil. MY GOD WILL STILL BE GOOD.
Because His goodness has nothing to do with my happiness.
His goodness is within Himself.
And that is what I learned in my pain. That if I never bare children and if nothing in my life "works out" according to my plan, that God is good. To the broken and to the thriving and to me. Because He is God.
I do believe Gods Word and I believe what His promises say. But that wasn't what He was teaching me. I stand on His truth even when my circumstances don't line up to it. Because these things are temporary but His word last forever.
"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will HIMSELF restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you." - 1 Peter 5:10
Cody and I found out 4 weeks after losing our first child that we were expecting again. It was wonderful and too soon all at the same time. I thought that filling my womb again would heal me but it was God who could do that. My joy for the first pregnancy didn't carry over to this one like I wanted it to. I felt guilty for moving on and not suffering long enough. I had a lot to work through and thankfully the Lord worked it out in me. I do not live in fear. I refuse to. Because I know my God. The one who I serve. And even as I carry this child and she is celebrated and loved I think about how I was supposed to be 6 weeks further along in a different pregnancy and the Lord reminds me that He Himself will restore, confirm, strengthen and establish. And He is choosing to do it with our sweet Roman Grace Causey that I now carry (at 25 weeks today).
And I am so so so thankful. Not because of what the Lord can do for me alone, but because no matter what, HE. IS. GOOD.
