What matters most

You're going to have to follow me closely today because my thoughts are so full!

I am so blown away by how the  Lord speaks to me and you just have to hear it...

For the past 15 months I have been blessed beyond all comprehension to have the greatest job on the planet. I am a nanny, to the 4 sweetest little blessings in my life. Not only have I gotten to be in their life consistently for the most important years of development but I am their 2nd cousin. And we are the every holiday, all birthdays, its a pretty Sunday so lets get together, kinda family. Like the I just love you so I wanted to call and talk to you type situation. The point I'm really trying to make is I am REALLY in their lives.

Being so close to them means I have shared in some of the most special moments imaginable. I have helped clean bobo's and I have been able to wipe tears. I have never laughed as hard with or cried as much over any other individuals in my life. They truly make my world so much better. I can think of times when each one of them has gone out of their way to make me laugh, like they really know my sense of humor and want to see me smile. The youngest, at 18 months can even do it. More times than I can count, after saying my goodnights and getting in my car, I have cried all the way home just because I can not believe how much I love these little boogers.

THEY ARE AMAZING!! (got it?!)

This is all leading to the sweetest part... How God uses them to speak to me.

With knowing all of this you would believe that I am satisfied to never leave and you would be spot on. The biggest problem is the Lord knows that, and He refuses to leave me the same. He wants to stretch me and expand His kingdom through me in a mightyyy way. So that is bringing me to the next season of my life.

Africa.

It is such a beautiful thing to hear the voice of the Lord and feel His presence and know His leading. I will always follow Him and where He leads me. Even if that means I wont be comfortable...

OK full circle.

When I think about having to go more then 8,000 miles away from the most precious joys in my life I just can't handle it. I get all weepy and have to walk around to dry the tears in my eyes before they stroll down my face. I have known about this for 8 months now and STILL can not get ahold of myself when I think about it. O and when they ask me questions... It. is. game. ON. I will be in the bathroom running the sink water for about 5 minutes getting out all the water works so we can move on with our day.

Serious business.

But the Lord was so sweet to me the other day to show me one more way he has used them to speak so clearly into my life... I have this calling that is so hard to explain but simply put, it is way bigger than me. I'm talking mountains and ants bigger. I don't understand it, bigger. I am ridiculously humbled by it, bigger. Just BIGGER. And a consistent prayer I have prayed all the while the Lord was planting these dreams in me and giving me such a desire for him was this... "Lord, never let me get in the way, please always be what people see. I don't want to be a good speaker, I don't want to be a pretty face. I want You to always receive the glory in my life. Whenever I do ministry and walk away from a place, if no one ever remembers my name but their life is changed by You, that is all I want." Now He is taking that to a whole new level.

I am just months away from going to Uganda and these sweet babies are going to keep their routine of life. They have school and church and the most amazing parents God could have given them. They love me and I know that. I will always be in their life and I KNOW they won't forget me. I am always welcome in their home and I will always be at their Christmas but things are about to change drastically. I am leaving. Not just for a weeks vacation (which they always give me the sweetest hugs and kisses when I come back from them). I am rolling out like this city is kicking me out. My sweet babies might not think about me everyday!?! They certainly won't see me everyday. I'm not a simple phone call away, where they can ask me to come over tomorrow to play. I am gone, and not forever but they don't understand that completely. 8 months is a large portion of their little lives!!

Can you see why this is slightly emotional yet?

So as I pray for them and the Lord speaks to me so sweetly about his plans for my life it becomes sooo evident what He is doing in me. I have requested all my life that I not be seen or noticed. That I would not feel like I "belong" in the spot light. I have always desired Him to be remembered and His presence to be left from places that I have gone to. WOW.. This is that time!

My soul desires to see salvation come to the nations. For lives to be radically changed for the cause of Christ and people to find their purpose for the glory of God. But leaving these babies and thinking of them not remembering me is the hardest thing I can think of doing. Then the Lord so gently whispers my prayers back to me..

Don't you think I know the prayers you have prayed over them? Do you not remember the words I gave you to speak to their little hearts so they would know how special they are to me? Am I not big enough to use the moments when they are children to affect their entire life?

Now what matters most? That they remember all the times I told them they were the most beautiful little girls in the world, or they just walk their entire lives knowing they are beautiful to God? If the prayer of healing doesn't stay in their thoughts all the time but their bodies are completely whole? If they don't remember me tickling them or scratching their back but they walk in the peace and joy of the Lord... does it matter?

NOW I actually believe that no matter where I go, or what I do, if I can walk away from here leaving the presence of a mighty God and lives are forever changed, the rest of my life I can play the back ground part while God ALWAYS receives the glory.

Luke 18:16 "But Jesus called to them saying, Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God."

Honestly

I'm scared.

Of failing.

Success.

Being everything, everyone wants me to be and disappointing the whole universe.

Of never fulfilling my dreams, goals and visions but more scared of it being even bigger then I can imagine.

Honestly.

I'm really just scared that I'll do it all for me.

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all for the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." Colossians 3:17

I believe that God has placed so much talent in each one of us. Talent that is bigger then we can possibly grasp with our own minds. It looks us in the face everyday with the option to be used for our own glory, or the glory of the Lord. AND constantly we, as humans use it for our own selfish gain.

I am the worlds worst at it too. I will "humbly" take my deserved pats on the back and file back in line for the next time that I have a chance in the spot light. For the whole world to see my talent, my face, to get a name for myself. Just when I think I have really done something big for the Lord, He will remind me that worldly honor is worthless.

"Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven." Matthew 6:1

And Honestly

... When I remember that, that I just did "something for Lord" but let the glory sit on my own shoulders, it breaks my heart, and makes me sick. How could I possibly think I deserve that beauty, that honor? The God of the Universe was kind enough to allow my insignificant life wake up for another breath in the morning and I am going to take His praise..

O no, not anymore.

I know that I was created for a purpose, for a destiny that no person can stand in the way of. Not even myself. I am going to bring people to the knowledge of a loving Savior and be used to bring freedom to the captives. I'll be His mouth piece and always share the truth. I might walk lonely in the worlds eyes sometimes, but I wont even notice because my eyes will be so fixed on Him. If I am sad, He will turn my sorrow into joy (Jeremiah 31:13). He has promised me to never leave me or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6). He is my best friend (Proverbs 18:24). I trust Him with my future because He has created it (Psalms 33:11).

Honestly

I know that my fears are small compared to my God. I have never gone without His leading and I will continue to seek Him. My prayer is as I grow in the things of the Lord, He will purge me of this world and continue to fill me with Himself, never letting me stay the same.

And HONESTLY

I know I will never get in the way.

June 18, 2011

This is a day I will never forget.

My older brothers wedding day...

I know it may seem weird to some.. Or most, how significant that day is to me, but i am going to do my best to bring some clarity to the situation.

Stephen Thaddeus Partain, born May 26, 1987; in Shreveport Louisiana, to Joe and Sharon Partain, just might be one of the most influential people in my life. Not only is he my older brother but he is soo much more than those words can simply express.

Growing up in my life, I can not imagine one moment that, Stephen isn't present. As young kids he was HUGE. like massive. a giant, really. So much strength and power, a bull. (get the picture?)

I am this tiny little girl and STEPHEN is the greatest thing that I know even exists.

I remember this one time, I must have been 10 years old. My sweet, naive mother left her two youngest in the care of a 13 year old... Not her best move. So while Stephen watched over Joseph and I, things got crazy (as they obviously would). Eventually, not remembering what led up to this particular event. Joseph, the 7 year old has run to his room and returned with a knife, more a dagger of sorts. and is threatening to 'kill' Stephen, because he is so angry. So with all the grace that Stephen carries, he reaches down and grabs Joseph by the collar of the shirt and gently slams him on the wall above his head... So naturally I am screaming and crying for them to stop, as I helplessly sit on the couch with the phone trying to reach our wonderful naive mother =) and like all brothers would in this situation of rage and anger, they look at me. Realize my fear and start laughing. Which turned into a celebration of MY pain!! What!? How is it possible that two people so angry can turn that anger into insults? Well I don't know, but I'll get them to start a blog... Point being, Stephen is serious business.

He is more sweet than sour for sure.

Stephen has been a hiding place for me, he always took up for me, ALWAYS! I was his date to his senior prom. I was his favorite girl in the world! Looking back now, I can't believe any 16 year old would let their younger sister go anywhere with them, but Stephen took me everywhere. Out to eat after church, friends houses on the weekend.. every weekend. Payed for all my movies and never let me be alone. I never left his side, nor did I want to. He loved me, loved having me around. And he was so proud of me, like "Have you met my little sister? She is the best!" Everywhere I went with him, I felt like I belonged. I know I can be loud and obnoxious, imagine me at 13, with frizzy hair!! But he loved every second of it.

More than all that, Stephen taught me about the Lord. There has never been an answer to deep he couldn't find the solution. Or too many, that he became tired of my questions. He has sat with me countless hours and showed me scriptures about life, baptism, the Holy Spirit and the kingdom of God. I will never be able to repay the lessons he has patiently taught me and questions he helped me walk through.

He has given me a hope that the righteous will be blessed. I do not know of a more upright, godly man his age in the world. He has said no to compromise and wordly desires. He has walked away from friends and companions. And he has sacrificed much for the cause of Christ, but none with out the reward of faithfulness!

God blessed my brother beyond measure when He sent Morgan Ainsley Funderburk into his quiet life. Morgan is the anchor and stability, Stephen has always searched for. She is a spitfire and brings Stephen right where he needs to be most of the time. She can graciously give correction and speak life into him. And I love her so much for that. Stephen has never been more of a sissy, weak in the knees, romantic than the day God gave him Morgan. They walked purely before the Lord in their relationship. They waitied for God to bring them into one anothers lives and God will not stop the blessings he has for them.

So on that perfect day in June when Stephen changed Morgans severly confusing last name ;) I was overjoyed! To see my brother happier than I knew he could be, and to see all of his prayers answered in one beautiful face. I don't know that I could be more happy for any individual again.

My life is better because of his life and I am honored to be his little sister. I know that I would not be the woman of God I am today, or the woman of God I am to become without his guidance. My future husband can thank alot of my learned patient skills to Stephen. lol

And now that Stephen has become the spiritual head of his and Morgan's home, I pray that God continues to show them favor beyond all their dreams and lets every vision come to pass. That they will always pursue righteousness and never lack anything. That God will bless their children and give them a great heritage. I thank God for them everyday and what they are to me. I know I will only continue to watch in amazement as God uses their lives.

Only God knows how he did it and He will continue to do it!

So it begins.

For the longest time I have wanted to be able to share with those people that love me, believe in me, and know the calling God has placed on my life; what God is doing in my life. So here is the first of many God moments, challenging days, and world defining chapters of my life. I am so excited to open up my life, and let people in. I know that I seem to show no outward appearance of failures and I work very hard to be invincible BUT that is so not the case. I want my life to be transparent. To be a clear expression of all that I am walking through.

James 1:2-4 says, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."

So this is the start of that walk. The walk of trials and victories. Of joy and completion in Christ, and a new season of advancing the kingdom.

I am so thrilled to show you where God has taken me from and what He is walking me into.

I have alot of catching up to do, so ima get started =)

Thank you for your prayers,

Sarah Partain