Honestly

I'm scared.

Of failing.

Success.

Being everything, everyone wants me to be and disappointing the whole universe.

Of never fulfilling my dreams, goals and visions but more scared of it being even bigger then I can imagine.

Honestly.

I'm really just scared that I'll do it all for me.

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all for the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." Colossians 3:17

I believe that God has placed so much talent in each one of us. Talent that is bigger then we can possibly grasp with our own minds. It looks us in the face everyday with the option to be used for our own glory, or the glory of the Lord. AND constantly we, as humans use it for our own selfish gain.

I am the worlds worst at it too. I will "humbly" take my deserved pats on the back and file back in line for the next time that I have a chance in the spot light. For the whole world to see my talent, my face, to get a name for myself. Just when I think I have really done something big for the Lord, He will remind me that worldly honor is worthless.

"Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven." Matthew 6:1

And Honestly

... When I remember that, that I just did "something for Lord" but let the glory sit on my own shoulders, it breaks my heart, and makes me sick. How could I possibly think I deserve that beauty, that honor? The God of the Universe was kind enough to allow my insignificant life wake up for another breath in the morning and I am going to take His praise..

O no, not anymore.

I know that I was created for a purpose, for a destiny that no person can stand in the way of. Not even myself. I am going to bring people to the knowledge of a loving Savior and be used to bring freedom to the captives. I'll be His mouth piece and always share the truth. I might walk lonely in the worlds eyes sometimes, but I wont even notice because my eyes will be so fixed on Him. If I am sad, He will turn my sorrow into joy (Jeremiah 31:13). He has promised me to never leave me or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6). He is my best friend (Proverbs 18:24). I trust Him with my future because He has created it (Psalms 33:11).

Honestly

I know that my fears are small compared to my God. I have never gone without His leading and I will continue to seek Him. My prayer is as I grow in the things of the Lord, He will purge me of this world and continue to fill me with Himself, never letting me stay the same.

And HONESTLY

I know I will never get in the way.

June 18, 2011

This is a day I will never forget.

My older brothers wedding day...

I know it may seem weird to some.. Or most, how significant that day is to me, but i am going to do my best to bring some clarity to the situation.

Stephen Thaddeus Partain, born May 26, 1987; in Shreveport Louisiana, to Joe and Sharon Partain, just might be one of the most influential people in my life. Not only is he my older brother but he is soo much more than those words can simply express.

Growing up in my life, I can not imagine one moment that, Stephen isn't present. As young kids he was HUGE. like massive. a giant, really. So much strength and power, a bull. (get the picture?)

I am this tiny little girl and STEPHEN is the greatest thing that I know even exists.

I remember this one time, I must have been 10 years old. My sweet, naive mother left her two youngest in the care of a 13 year old... Not her best move. So while Stephen watched over Joseph and I, things got crazy (as they obviously would). Eventually, not remembering what led up to this particular event. Joseph, the 7 year old has run to his room and returned with a knife, more a dagger of sorts. and is threatening to 'kill' Stephen, because he is so angry. So with all the grace that Stephen carries, he reaches down and grabs Joseph by the collar of the shirt and gently slams him on the wall above his head... So naturally I am screaming and crying for them to stop, as I helplessly sit on the couch with the phone trying to reach our wonderful naive mother =) and like all brothers would in this situation of rage and anger, they look at me. Realize my fear and start laughing. Which turned into a celebration of MY pain!! What!? How is it possible that two people so angry can turn that anger into insults? Well I don't know, but I'll get them to start a blog... Point being, Stephen is serious business.

He is more sweet than sour for sure.

Stephen has been a hiding place for me, he always took up for me, ALWAYS! I was his date to his senior prom. I was his favorite girl in the world! Looking back now, I can't believe any 16 year old would let their younger sister go anywhere with them, but Stephen took me everywhere. Out to eat after church, friends houses on the weekend.. every weekend. Payed for all my movies and never let me be alone. I never left his side, nor did I want to. He loved me, loved having me around. And he was so proud of me, like "Have you met my little sister? She is the best!" Everywhere I went with him, I felt like I belonged. I know I can be loud and obnoxious, imagine me at 13, with frizzy hair!! But he loved every second of it.

More than all that, Stephen taught me about the Lord. There has never been an answer to deep he couldn't find the solution. Or too many, that he became tired of my questions. He has sat with me countless hours and showed me scriptures about life, baptism, the Holy Spirit and the kingdom of God. I will never be able to repay the lessons he has patiently taught me and questions he helped me walk through.

He has given me a hope that the righteous will be blessed. I do not know of a more upright, godly man his age in the world. He has said no to compromise and wordly desires. He has walked away from friends and companions. And he has sacrificed much for the cause of Christ, but none with out the reward of faithfulness!

God blessed my brother beyond measure when He sent Morgan Ainsley Funderburk into his quiet life. Morgan is the anchor and stability, Stephen has always searched for. She is a spitfire and brings Stephen right where he needs to be most of the time. She can graciously give correction and speak life into him. And I love her so much for that. Stephen has never been more of a sissy, weak in the knees, romantic than the day God gave him Morgan. They walked purely before the Lord in their relationship. They waitied for God to bring them into one anothers lives and God will not stop the blessings he has for them.

So on that perfect day in June when Stephen changed Morgans severly confusing last name ;) I was overjoyed! To see my brother happier than I knew he could be, and to see all of his prayers answered in one beautiful face. I don't know that I could be more happy for any individual again.

My life is better because of his life and I am honored to be his little sister. I know that I would not be the woman of God I am today, or the woman of God I am to become without his guidance. My future husband can thank alot of my learned patient skills to Stephen. lol

And now that Stephen has become the spiritual head of his and Morgan's home, I pray that God continues to show them favor beyond all their dreams and lets every vision come to pass. That they will always pursue righteousness and never lack anything. That God will bless their children and give them a great heritage. I thank God for them everyday and what they are to me. I know I will only continue to watch in amazement as God uses their lives.

Only God knows how he did it and He will continue to do it!

So it begins.

For the longest time I have wanted to be able to share with those people that love me, believe in me, and know the calling God has placed on my life; what God is doing in my life. So here is the first of many God moments, challenging days, and world defining chapters of my life. I am so excited to open up my life, and let people in. I know that I seem to show no outward appearance of failures and I work very hard to be invincible BUT that is so not the case. I want my life to be transparent. To be a clear expression of all that I am walking through.

James 1:2-4 says, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."

So this is the start of that walk. The walk of trials and victories. Of joy and completion in Christ, and a new season of advancing the kingdom.

I am so thrilled to show you where God has taken me from and what He is walking me into.

I have alot of catching up to do, so ima get started =)

Thank you for your prayers,

Sarah Partain