#thestruggle is real...

Hello, my name is Sarah and I am a struggle hider...

and TRUST me, I struggle. Like I am so human it's embarrassing. I have this squeeky sneeze and an embarrassing laugh that makes the whole room stop to see if "that person" needs any more attention. I can become overwhlemed if I feel like someone is upset with me and I NEVER remember to wash my car. One of my biggest flaws though, is pretending that I have none. You see, I never intended on being so tough all of the time. I don't want to seem like I have it all together but I have this inate feeling that I cant get over, to "save face" and never let anyone see me cry. That if I ever become weak or show my weakness, then I will dissappoint someone, to the point of no return. Or maybe I would hurt my testimony and those who look up to me wont trust me any more because they know that I have issues.

How selfish. 

How selfish of me to think that I am so noble or that other people hold me so highly. How selfish to put that kind of unrelenting burden on my own shoulders. How CRAZY to think that this whole issue is stemmed from one simple crazy thing... 

That every time I do that, I am saying that what Jesus did isn't enough. That His sacrifice wasn't complete and I must be strong enough, and bold enough, and kind enough for others to know that I am good enough.

But HE IS ENOUGH.

He is all that I need and my flaws nor my strengths are determined by His goodness.

He is wholly and completely good because HE IS GOD. 

And when I am honest with myself and I finally say that He is enough for me, I find relief. From the pressure to be perfect and always strong. I am able to realize that my weaknessess cause my strength to be found in Him alone. When I recognize who He is and what He has done, the realness of my life is what is so beautiful. 

So here is who I really am. I am a sinner saved by grace. An immense amount of grace (I feel like i probably took an extra dose). I am desperate and I am tired. I am weak and I am hungry. I cry (only sometimes... don't get crazy). I am broken and I am faulted, very very at fault...
BUT I am more than a conqueror. I am talented and confident. I AM WHOLE. I am satisfied and chosen. I am beautiful and unique. I am loved. I am a Partain :) and thankful every day for it. I am a good friend and a kind stranger. I am a good listener and a great talker, and some times I am a hand to hold. I love a lot, a lot. I forgive quickly and I am thankful. I am who I am called to be. And when I get honest about who I am, although the flaws are REAL and can be embarrassing to admit. It is because of them that my strengths can be recognized. Because as soon as I point them out, I find new growth in my heart that shows my how dependent on Christ that I really am. I love that I can struggle. And I love that He is still enough. 

Fight or Flight

FIGHT!!!

Every time. Everyday.

I am a fighter. I think the fight was put in me as a little girl, growing up with 2 brothers I had to fight to ensure all of my teeth would stay in my head. Since a young age I have always been able to hold my own in the boxing rink. I can remember times that my brothers and cousins would pin me down and stick their feet in my mouth or spit on me... serious trauma. There are times that I have dangled too close to the toilet bowl for comfort and I would just cry out to Jesus, and my momma to come rescue me.

I have learned the art of a good fight.

Let me tell you the secret...

PLAY DIRTY.

If you can't beat 'em by size, skill or sticking to the rules... Then just stay alive.

I can still tell you all of my brothers and cousins weak spots... And every once in a while, one of them will get out of line and I will remind them that I know about it. Jacob, my cousin who is 9 weeks older than me.... It's his leg hair. I used to pull it, but now just touch that boys leg hair and he will HIT THE FLOOR soooo fast!! Stephen, my older brother is the most ticklish man on the planet. Joseph, my younger brother, is going to be mad that I am throwing him out there like this but, it's my blog... and it's true. He hates to be touched in the first place but keep your hands off his butt. I just gotta pretend like I am going to pinch his butt and he looses it. The boy won't even walk in front of me in public because of the fear of a butt pinch. He jumps about 15 feet in the air and screams like a girl! haha It really is so funny. I have an arsenal of sketchy, under the table tricks to beat these boys in a fight and I WILL NOT hesitate to use them.

I would not have to use them if I could win the fight but now that all men in my family have grown to about 200 lbs each, a girl just has to work the system a little bit. I have learned that fighting is easy for me to do because it's natural for me. even in the things that are spiritual...

I fight.

I want to fight for the broken and the lost. I want to fight for injustice. I fight when my family is sick and in need of healing. I fight when someone is lonely and feel like they are unloved. I love to fight for other peoples freedoms. I know that the Lord has given them freedom and I want them to attain it.

So I fight.

But recently I have learned something new about myself and the phrase "Fight or Flight". This usually refers to a situation that someone is startled and their adrenaline kicks in suddenly and their FIRST reaction is to fight or to flight (run). Pretty simple.

Sometimes in my life, I "FLIGHT".

When the going gets tough I really want to throw my hands up and run. I HATE to be wrong. I mean I think everyone does but I really do. I never argue a point unless I am sure I am right. I never get upset unless I feel like I have a legitament reason to be. I take it a little far sometimes. I won't even play a sport that I don't think I am going to win, or a board game that I am not good at. I hate to be wrong. I hate to fail.

Flight is the easiest option.

I can fight for anyone else against the powers of darkness but I crumble so easily against my own fears and failures. Most of the time I don't take a risk, because "What if I missed God?" what if I put all this time and effort into something and I fail, or I'm not good at it? It scares me to death to fail. So instead I run. But what the Lord is teaching me through the "flight" is that the risk is WORTH IT.

The risk to step out in faith and truly be the woman of God I am called to be. To see amazing things in my life time. To know the healing hand of God. To love unconditionally. To have my heart connect to Gods and hear His voice. The flight always wants to come when I am uncertain and scared.

THE BEST PART... Just learning this... the risk makes the reward. To have something great and beautiful I have to step out on a limb of faith. I have to trust and love and FIGHT!! Even if I start to see those fears creep up. I have never stepped out on faith and found myself disappointed. I have always been twice held by the Lord and He has always helped me in the fight.

I will always fight. Because the fight is always worth it.

So when I look at risk or possible failure. When I stare into the face of the unknown I won't run any more. I'd rather have the fear of failure than not stepping in faith. I would rather know pain than never experience love. I would rather have everything God has called me to with a little rawness then to sit in the comfortable and never know His power.

No one said it would be easy but I am sure it will be worth it.

So whatever you face, when you have the choice to "Fight or Flight" go on ahead and decide that the fight will always bring about the greater reward and fight.

Seasons

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven."

Ecclesiastes 3:1

Sometimes I think the smallest thoughts pack the most punch. Especially this little (BIG) nugget the Lord dropped on us in Ecclesiastes. It's so crazy that during the mountain tops of our life, we almost can't remember the low times but during the low times we just pray for a moment of freedom, breath of fresh air... really even a hefty slap on the back would be nice at that time. I am well aware of living in both seasons. Something I heard this year and have faithfully quoted since is this...

"The preparation time is precious, because you never get that time back."

I immediately remembered those tough days in the past that I now look on and see the growth, the triumphs and even the losses that the Lord used to make me more like Him. On this side of the lows, they don't seem so low any more. Those times more look "precious" than ever before. Mostly because my understanding of the Lords love for me has grown. This is what I have discovered through His graciousness.

HIS LOVE NEVER FAILS!

How profound!!

A love that always watches me and cares for me. That never ceases in desire for me and could never over look me. A love that is true and perfect. It cast out all fear and draws me to itself. Demanding nothing of me. This love that is souly mine.

Those times of feeling at the end of my rope and not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel, almost to the point that I had convinced myself that I wasn't even in a tunnel... More like a black hole of despair. Those low days were so packed full of Gods love and mercy. I will never again regret a season in the lows. For that is truly where I was shown the love of a never forgetting, always caring, good Father. In the low He never left me, I have never been broken beyond repair, or even beyond my own thought of possible redemption.

Now if going from a mountain top experience to the valley isn't rough enough, it is almost just as shocking to be brought out of the valley. Maybe for me I don't feel like I deserve the mountains, almost a false humility that says, "I will stay low so I can be more like Christ." So weird and so far from the truth. His love brings us to a place with Him that is deserved because we are His children. I have found, that seeking Him in the low times, trusting Him in pain and being faithful when I can not understand, leads me back to the mountain.

The mountain for me is so simple. It is so sweet. It is the peace of the Lord. I know a lot of people far more spiritual than I, have peace even in the valleys and I am encouraged by it. When I am in the valley though; I am a wreck. running around like an emotional, crazy girl. Living in fear and confusion and COMPLETELY with out peace. I operate from pain and not trust. But the mountain is so full of peace. A simple calm understanding that I am so held by Christ that even if I don't know what my circumstance is, He does and I trust Him.

So now, as I sit in freedom from my failures. As I trust Him more than ever before, and now that I have more of His peace than I can even comprehend, I am overwhelmed at His love for me. The mountain top isn't about a feeling or of reassurance. For me, my mountain top is His peace. Even if I do not know where to go, or what step to take, what I do know is that I will follow His peace. Blindly if necessary. I refuse to live without it. It is the most precious treasure that I possess.