and TRUST me, I struggle. Like I am so human it's embarrassing. I have this squeeky sneeze and an embarrassing laugh that makes the whole room stop to see if "that person" needs any more attention. I can become overwhlemed if I feel like someone is upset with me and I NEVER remember to wash my car. One of my biggest flaws though, is pretending that I have none. You see, I never intended on being so tough all of the time. I don't want to seem like I have it all together but I have this inate feeling that I cant get over, to "save face" and never let anyone see me cry. That if I ever become weak or show my weakness, then I will dissappoint someone, to the point of no return. Or maybe I would hurt my testimony and those who look up to me wont trust me any more because they know that I have issues.
How selfish.
How selfish of me to think that I am so noble or that other people hold me so highly. How selfish to put that kind of unrelenting burden on my own shoulders. How CRAZY to think that this whole issue is stemmed from one simple crazy thing...
That every time I do that, I am saying that what Jesus did isn't enough. That His sacrifice wasn't complete and I must be strong enough, and bold enough, and kind enough for others to know that I am good enough.
But HE IS ENOUGH.
He is all that I need and my flaws nor my strengths are determined by His goodness.
He is wholly and completely good because HE IS GOD.
And when I am honest with myself and I finally say that He is enough for me, I find relief. From the pressure to be perfect and always strong. I am able to realize that my weaknessess cause my strength to be found in Him alone. When I recognize who He is and what He has done, the realness of my life is what is so beautiful.
So here is who I really am. I am a sinner saved by grace. An immense amount of grace (I feel like i probably took an extra dose). I am desperate and I am tired. I am weak and I am hungry. I cry (only sometimes... don't get crazy). I am broken and I am faulted, very very at fault...
BUT I am more than a conqueror. I am talented and confident. I AM WHOLE. I am satisfied and chosen. I am beautiful and unique. I am loved. I am a Partain :) and thankful every day for it. I am a good friend and a kind stranger. I am a good listener and a great talker, and some times I am a hand to hold. I love a lot, a lot. I forgive quickly and I am thankful. I am who I am called to be. And when I get honest about who I am, although the flaws are REAL and can be embarrassing to admit. It is because of them that my strengths can be recognized. Because as soon as I point them out, I find new growth in my heart that shows my how dependent on Christ that I really am. I love that I can struggle. And I love that He is still enough.
BUT I am more than a conqueror. I am talented and confident. I AM WHOLE. I am satisfied and chosen. I am beautiful and unique. I am loved. I am a Partain :) and thankful every day for it. I am a good friend and a kind stranger. I am a good listener and a great talker, and some times I am a hand to hold. I love a lot, a lot. I forgive quickly and I am thankful. I am who I am called to be. And when I get honest about who I am, although the flaws are REAL and can be embarrassing to admit. It is because of them that my strengths can be recognized. Because as soon as I point them out, I find new growth in my heart that shows my how dependent on Christ that I really am. I love that I can struggle. And I love that He is still enough.
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