What I have learned in love

What I have learned in love.

That flowers make me smile and Dark Chocolate is the ultimate tool for forgiveness. Ive seen lots of good times and failures in my own flawed selfishness. I have leaned on a strong shoulder and I have been disappointed at times. I have looked at the man that I love and seen the best and worst, and in their own embarrassing moments, he has seen a true reflection of my full on weaknesses and insecurities. I have learned during this short year + some, that when I am most full of love and grace and security, actually has very little to do with the love, care and concern that my boyfriend can show me. While he does so well at it, what I have actually learned this last year is that the love of the Lord has surpassed my deepest desires to be loved by a man, and thank God that He is teaching me more about it. 

I think the greatest joys in my life have occurred with Cody Warren Causey, the love of my life and the greatest man that I have ever known. He treats me like my dad does my mom. He can get on my nerves in the most insanely reflective way as my younger (and amazing) brother and he has the wisdom that my older brother has shared with me during some dark moments in my life, one of the most heart throbbing moments with this sweet dream of a man of mine is when he prays.. it touches the heart of God just the way my moms does. Cody has been such a blessing in my life. and even in that I have looked at him some days when he is dropping me off at my house I have to remind my selfish and rude lil self that I CHOOSE to love this man, even though I feel like screaming at his never lacking, handsome face. 

Those incredibly cloud like, fantasy days and the few ones that show me the difficulties of this self sacrificing love has brought me closer to the feet of the cross than I ever knew was possible. 

Because as kind or trying as I can be or Cody can give. We are BOTH flawed. Extremely and fully, completely and embarrassingly. Even on the days that we give 100% and love out of the fullest part of our heart we lack, but I have seen so clearly that the love of Christ has overwhelmed that hole in our life.

With my best and most effort I am a disappointment and a failure, but God.... Wow, He sent a grace that makes me clean, a violent pursuit of my heart and a delight in my life that is unlike anything this world can offer me. I have felt the love of Christ, in a new way. And my love for Him has grown into an unparalleled love to any human pursuit.

I have learned over the last year to let the Lord fill my heart, to pursue Christ FULLY. That in my desire to be like Christ, I can't desire my other relationships more. There isn't room, I can't lean on Cody for my happiness or joy. I have learned that no matter what good days or bad that come with a boyfriend, the only one who can supply my heart, emotions and thoughts is the creator of my soul and the one that I let my heart entertain. So I must allow Christ ALONE to be that piece.

I now know that no matter the cost or the work put into my relationship, when I put Christ first and let the savior of my heart fill all my desires that I can truly love Cody, that I can be filled. I won't have to take from him what I should have gotten from Him. I have learned as I walk out an earthly relationship in purity and with both of us pursuing Christ, that we will show others to the cross, which is my greatest and only desire on this earth.

What I really have learned in all of this is that no matter what, Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ. And that is the love that I have truly learned to desire.

Romans 8:31-39

Single or not really single.. Ladies, this is for you.

I know how it goes.

Were just friends.
Its not like that.
We haven't made anything official.
He hasn't even said he likes me or anything like that.

Ladies... (not that Im sure I have a large base of men who read my blog any way) this is for you.

I know the feeling of no commitment, "Safe Flirting". I heard these freeing words for the first time when I was 16 years old and they changed my life. FINALLY, it is ok for me to have more guy friends than girls, we get along better any way (... duh). Its ok to have my sushi guy friend, my movie guy friend, and my random texting guy friendS and well pretty much doesn't matter what, because we are FRIENDS. Nothing more, not with benefits just the regular kind.

Before I go too far into this blog, I am not here to tackle the issues of dating or commitment to a specific relationship. Who I am looking for is the girl like I have been so many times in and right out of high school. Who pretends she is single, but in reality has more emotional crutches sustaining her need for attention and approval, all in a desperate and LOTS of times unconscious need for love.

See I have done "single" several ways in my life. The kind like the few paragraphs up where I had tons of guy friends but no commitments and then I have done,

S.I.N.G.L.E. the real kind.

Heres how that goes... No texts at the end of the day, lots of girl friends (if you want to have a friend, thats your only option). Paying for every meal. Dinner alone, in public,with sweet old ladies starring with sadness in their eyes "Bless her Heart"s resounding in the whispers all around. Movies alone. Pumping your own gas late at night watching all the dark corners, just to be sure you could get a straight on mental picture if the boogie man ran after you. The kind of single that I am talking about is void of emotional love bucket fills. Its lonely nights.

What has always bothered me about being "fake single" is that it's a poor woman's excuse to get pity. As if she is unwanted or lesser than her peers, who are dating or "basically married"... Until you are alone, with you and God and you have had the real dirty conversations with Him. That sounds more like a screaming monologue. Wondering where He may be as well has the he, that should have shown up long ago. Questioning if single hood is the doom poured out on you for the mistakes and sins of the past. Asking those closest to you to, "Be honest, I don't care if you hurt my feelings. What am I doing wrong." If you haven't been THERE, then you are absolutely missing out on maybe one of the hardest, most frustrating and possibly sweetest moments of life.

Yes, the sweetest.

You see, that girl right there. She is experiencing Christ. She is holding fast to the truth of a loving Father that will never leave her. A friend that sticks closer than family. And a lover that her soul will never match. She is seeking and only able to find JESUS.

I remember those days, crying out to the Lord wondering if His promises are true. Did I make it up? Do I even know your voice?? But I have never been forgotten and He has never forsaken me. It was in those days and weeks and months and I know of years for sweet friends of mine, that Jesus has shown up. He has spoken the sweetest love songs to my heart. He walked me through trials and rejection. He held my hand and rejoiced with me on the top of insecurity and self doubt. He became enough. All that I needed and all that I wanted.

How could I ever trade that. That journey of single-ness for anything.

So instead of being "fake single" try doing it the real way. Kill the flesh and seek Jesus, alone. With out the emotional crutches that make you feel pretty or pay for dinner. And if you aren't ready for that, stop saying you're single. You aren't. Not in your heart, and thats the only place that really matters anyway.






My right now favorite passage.
Romans 8:31-39