That flowers make me smile and Dark Chocolate is the ultimate tool for forgiveness. Ive seen lots of good times and failures in my own flawed selfishness. I have leaned on a strong shoulder and I have been disappointed at times. I have looked at the man that I love and seen the best and worst, and in their own embarrassing moments, he has seen a true reflection of my full on weaknesses and insecurities. I have learned during this short year + some, that when I am most full of love and grace and security, actually has very little to do with the love, care and concern that my boyfriend can show me. While he does so well at it, what I have actually learned this last year is that the love of the Lord has surpassed my deepest desires to be loved by a man, and thank God that He is teaching me more about it.
I think the greatest joys in my life have occurred with Cody Warren Causey, the love of my life and the greatest man that I have ever known. He treats me like my dad does my mom. He can get on my nerves in the most insanely reflective way as my younger (and amazing) brother and he has the wisdom that my older brother has shared with me during some dark moments in my life, one of the most heart throbbing moments with this sweet dream of a man of mine is when he prays.. it touches the heart of God just the way my moms does. Cody has been such a blessing in my life. and even in that I have looked at him some days when he is dropping me off at my house I have to remind my selfish and rude lil self that I CHOOSE to love this man, even though I feel like screaming at his never lacking, handsome face.
Those incredibly cloud like, fantasy days and the few ones that show me the difficulties of this self sacrificing love has brought me closer to the feet of the cross than I ever knew was possible.
Because as kind or trying as I can be or Cody can give. We are BOTH flawed. Extremely and fully, completely and embarrassingly. Even on the days that we give 100% and love out of the fullest part of our heart we lack, but I have seen so clearly that the love of Christ has overwhelmed that hole in our life.
With my best and most effort I am a disappointment and a failure, but God.... Wow, He sent a grace that makes me clean, a violent pursuit of my heart and a delight in my life that is unlike anything this world can offer me. I have felt the love of Christ, in a new way. And my love for Him has grown into an unparalleled love to any human pursuit.
I have learned over the last year to let the Lord fill my heart, to pursue Christ FULLY. That in my desire to be like Christ, I can't desire my other relationships more. There isn't room, I can't lean on Cody for my happiness or joy. I have learned that no matter what good days or bad that come with a boyfriend, the only one who can supply my heart, emotions and thoughts is the creator of my soul and the one that I let my heart entertain. So I must allow Christ ALONE to be that piece.
I now know that no matter the cost or the work put into my relationship, when I put Christ first and let the savior of my heart fill all my desires that I can truly love Cody, that I can be filled. I won't have to take from him what I should have gotten from Him. I have learned as I walk out an earthly relationship in purity and with both of us pursuing Christ, that we will show others to the cross, which is my greatest and only desire on this earth.
What I really have learned in all of this is that no matter what, Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ. And that is the love that I have truly learned to desire.
Romans 8:31-39
Romans 8:31-39
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