I < > I

just so you know

Fasting is hard.. like in a lot of ways.
mostly bc you are hungry or wanting of something that you can't have (by choice, of course).

See, when a person is fasting they say no, on purpose to clear out the wanted clutter of ones life and run to the clarity that seems to all of the sudden be abounding in front of them.

For me, it's so hard, because of how endlessly frustrating it is that I want something so badly. not that I can't have it. that I want it.. so much.

How can, I. a person who so quickly can tell you all of my dreams and goals and priorities of life, that point straight to Jesus, but still pick everything else, everyday, over Him. over His sacrifice. over such love. I am reminded each time I fast how selfish I can really be. especially this go around.

I am so selfish, it is crazy embarrassing and very frustrating. I wish that I were more like Christ than I am but I am so busy with me. and I have spent the great majority of this fast telling the Lord that I am not. not that He has to argue back, but He hasn't been very quiet on the subject, none the less.

Since the start of this fast, I was pretty sure carbonation, sweets and social media were just by products of a regular routine of life and they were simply just normal. false. as I have willingly walked past delicious chocolate chip cookies and deleted the apps on my phone that consume my time, I have seen how much I make everything about me. I have cried. I have had a bad attitude. I have been rude and unwilling to compromise. I have been every bit of me. selfish. self centered and prideful. and I am mad about it. I am mad that I was wrong about my priorities. not that those things are taken from me now, but that it took removing them from my life to realize all of these terribly exhausting discoveries of myself.

I like myself. my comforts and my life. I do things to ensure my future and friends, to keep life safe and

I HATE THAT.

I hate that I don't see people the way Christ does, that I get in the way and I put me first. but I promise you this. I won't stay like that.

I am making a willing and I'm sure at times, frustrating commitment to love others more than I love stuff, and to SHOW them, not just say it but live it. I want my genuine love for others to be evident. Now I need to make sure that it is genuine.

I desire my first, only and passionate love to be Christ. Nothing to even compare to my desire for Him and for His pursuit of my heart. I want to stop saying I. I. AM. EXHAUSTING. to myself and others. Thank the Lord that He shows the weaknesses within ourself so we don't have to stay the same.

So today, is a day that I will pursue grace, and patience and Christ like never before. No longer looking to things or people. But bypassing everything else to love more of Jesus. and to look more like Him.