I < > I

just so you know

Fasting is hard.. like in a lot of ways.
mostly bc you are hungry or wanting of something that you can't have (by choice, of course).

See, when a person is fasting they say no, on purpose to clear out the wanted clutter of ones life and run to the clarity that seems to all of the sudden be abounding in front of them.

For me, it's so hard, because of how endlessly frustrating it is that I want something so badly. not that I can't have it. that I want it.. so much.

How can, I. a person who so quickly can tell you all of my dreams and goals and priorities of life, that point straight to Jesus, but still pick everything else, everyday, over Him. over His sacrifice. over such love. I am reminded each time I fast how selfish I can really be. especially this go around.

I am so selfish, it is crazy embarrassing and very frustrating. I wish that I were more like Christ than I am but I am so busy with me. and I have spent the great majority of this fast telling the Lord that I am not. not that He has to argue back, but He hasn't been very quiet on the subject, none the less.

Since the start of this fast, I was pretty sure carbonation, sweets and social media were just by products of a regular routine of life and they were simply just normal. false. as I have willingly walked past delicious chocolate chip cookies and deleted the apps on my phone that consume my time, I have seen how much I make everything about me. I have cried. I have had a bad attitude. I have been rude and unwilling to compromise. I have been every bit of me. selfish. self centered and prideful. and I am mad about it. I am mad that I was wrong about my priorities. not that those things are taken from me now, but that it took removing them from my life to realize all of these terribly exhausting discoveries of myself.

I like myself. my comforts and my life. I do things to ensure my future and friends, to keep life safe and

I HATE THAT.

I hate that I don't see people the way Christ does, that I get in the way and I put me first. but I promise you this. I won't stay like that.

I am making a willing and I'm sure at times, frustrating commitment to love others more than I love stuff, and to SHOW them, not just say it but live it. I want my genuine love for others to be evident. Now I need to make sure that it is genuine.

I desire my first, only and passionate love to be Christ. Nothing to even compare to my desire for Him and for His pursuit of my heart. I want to stop saying I. I. AM. EXHAUSTING. to myself and others. Thank the Lord that He shows the weaknesses within ourself so we don't have to stay the same.

So today, is a day that I will pursue grace, and patience and Christ like never before. No longer looking to things or people. But bypassing everything else to love more of Jesus. and to look more like Him.

#thestruggle is real...

Hello, my name is Sarah and I am a struggle hider...

and TRUST me, I struggle. Like I am so human it's embarrassing. I have this squeeky sneeze and an embarrassing laugh that makes the whole room stop to see if "that person" needs any more attention. I can become overwhlemed if I feel like someone is upset with me and I NEVER remember to wash my car. One of my biggest flaws though, is pretending that I have none. You see, I never intended on being so tough all of the time. I don't want to seem like I have it all together but I have this inate feeling that I cant get over, to "save face" and never let anyone see me cry. That if I ever become weak or show my weakness, then I will dissappoint someone, to the point of no return. Or maybe I would hurt my testimony and those who look up to me wont trust me any more because they know that I have issues.

How selfish. 

How selfish of me to think that I am so noble or that other people hold me so highly. How selfish to put that kind of unrelenting burden on my own shoulders. How CRAZY to think that this whole issue is stemmed from one simple crazy thing... 

That every time I do that, I am saying that what Jesus did isn't enough. That His sacrifice wasn't complete and I must be strong enough, and bold enough, and kind enough for others to know that I am good enough.

But HE IS ENOUGH.

He is all that I need and my flaws nor my strengths are determined by His goodness.

He is wholly and completely good because HE IS GOD. 

And when I am honest with myself and I finally say that He is enough for me, I find relief. From the pressure to be perfect and always strong. I am able to realize that my weaknessess cause my strength to be found in Him alone. When I recognize who He is and what He has done, the realness of my life is what is so beautiful. 

So here is who I really am. I am a sinner saved by grace. An immense amount of grace (I feel like i probably took an extra dose). I am desperate and I am tired. I am weak and I am hungry. I cry (only sometimes... don't get crazy). I am broken and I am faulted, very very at fault...
BUT I am more than a conqueror. I am talented and confident. I AM WHOLE. I am satisfied and chosen. I am beautiful and unique. I am loved. I am a Partain :) and thankful every day for it. I am a good friend and a kind stranger. I am a good listener and a great talker, and some times I am a hand to hold. I love a lot, a lot. I forgive quickly and I am thankful. I am who I am called to be. And when I get honest about who I am, although the flaws are REAL and can be embarrassing to admit. It is because of them that my strengths can be recognized. Because as soon as I point them out, I find new growth in my heart that shows my how dependent on Christ that I really am. I love that I can struggle. And I love that He is still enough. 

Fight or Flight

FIGHT!!!

Every time. Everyday.

I am a fighter. I think the fight was put in me as a little girl, growing up with 2 brothers I had to fight to ensure all of my teeth would stay in my head. Since a young age I have always been able to hold my own in the boxing rink. I can remember times that my brothers and cousins would pin me down and stick their feet in my mouth or spit on me... serious trauma. There are times that I have dangled too close to the toilet bowl for comfort and I would just cry out to Jesus, and my momma to come rescue me.

I have learned the art of a good fight.

Let me tell you the secret...

PLAY DIRTY.

If you can't beat 'em by size, skill or sticking to the rules... Then just stay alive.

I can still tell you all of my brothers and cousins weak spots... And every once in a while, one of them will get out of line and I will remind them that I know about it. Jacob, my cousin who is 9 weeks older than me.... It's his leg hair. I used to pull it, but now just touch that boys leg hair and he will HIT THE FLOOR soooo fast!! Stephen, my older brother is the most ticklish man on the planet. Joseph, my younger brother, is going to be mad that I am throwing him out there like this but, it's my blog... and it's true. He hates to be touched in the first place but keep your hands off his butt. I just gotta pretend like I am going to pinch his butt and he looses it. The boy won't even walk in front of me in public because of the fear of a butt pinch. He jumps about 15 feet in the air and screams like a girl! haha It really is so funny. I have an arsenal of sketchy, under the table tricks to beat these boys in a fight and I WILL NOT hesitate to use them.

I would not have to use them if I could win the fight but now that all men in my family have grown to about 200 lbs each, a girl just has to work the system a little bit. I have learned that fighting is easy for me to do because it's natural for me. even in the things that are spiritual...

I fight.

I want to fight for the broken and the lost. I want to fight for injustice. I fight when my family is sick and in need of healing. I fight when someone is lonely and feel like they are unloved. I love to fight for other peoples freedoms. I know that the Lord has given them freedom and I want them to attain it.

So I fight.

But recently I have learned something new about myself and the phrase "Fight or Flight". This usually refers to a situation that someone is startled and their adrenaline kicks in suddenly and their FIRST reaction is to fight or to flight (run). Pretty simple.

Sometimes in my life, I "FLIGHT".

When the going gets tough I really want to throw my hands up and run. I HATE to be wrong. I mean I think everyone does but I really do. I never argue a point unless I am sure I am right. I never get upset unless I feel like I have a legitament reason to be. I take it a little far sometimes. I won't even play a sport that I don't think I am going to win, or a board game that I am not good at. I hate to be wrong. I hate to fail.

Flight is the easiest option.

I can fight for anyone else against the powers of darkness but I crumble so easily against my own fears and failures. Most of the time I don't take a risk, because "What if I missed God?" what if I put all this time and effort into something and I fail, or I'm not good at it? It scares me to death to fail. So instead I run. But what the Lord is teaching me through the "flight" is that the risk is WORTH IT.

The risk to step out in faith and truly be the woman of God I am called to be. To see amazing things in my life time. To know the healing hand of God. To love unconditionally. To have my heart connect to Gods and hear His voice. The flight always wants to come when I am uncertain and scared.

THE BEST PART... Just learning this... the risk makes the reward. To have something great and beautiful I have to step out on a limb of faith. I have to trust and love and FIGHT!! Even if I start to see those fears creep up. I have never stepped out on faith and found myself disappointed. I have always been twice held by the Lord and He has always helped me in the fight.

I will always fight. Because the fight is always worth it.

So when I look at risk or possible failure. When I stare into the face of the unknown I won't run any more. I'd rather have the fear of failure than not stepping in faith. I would rather know pain than never experience love. I would rather have everything God has called me to with a little rawness then to sit in the comfortable and never know His power.

No one said it would be easy but I am sure it will be worth it.

So whatever you face, when you have the choice to "Fight or Flight" go on ahead and decide that the fight will always bring about the greater reward and fight.

Seasons

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven."

Ecclesiastes 3:1

Sometimes I think the smallest thoughts pack the most punch. Especially this little (BIG) nugget the Lord dropped on us in Ecclesiastes. It's so crazy that during the mountain tops of our life, we almost can't remember the low times but during the low times we just pray for a moment of freedom, breath of fresh air... really even a hefty slap on the back would be nice at that time. I am well aware of living in both seasons. Something I heard this year and have faithfully quoted since is this...

"The preparation time is precious, because you never get that time back."

I immediately remembered those tough days in the past that I now look on and see the growth, the triumphs and even the losses that the Lord used to make me more like Him. On this side of the lows, they don't seem so low any more. Those times more look "precious" than ever before. Mostly because my understanding of the Lords love for me has grown. This is what I have discovered through His graciousness.

HIS LOVE NEVER FAILS!

How profound!!

A love that always watches me and cares for me. That never ceases in desire for me and could never over look me. A love that is true and perfect. It cast out all fear and draws me to itself. Demanding nothing of me. This love that is souly mine.

Those times of feeling at the end of my rope and not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel, almost to the point that I had convinced myself that I wasn't even in a tunnel... More like a black hole of despair. Those low days were so packed full of Gods love and mercy. I will never again regret a season in the lows. For that is truly where I was shown the love of a never forgetting, always caring, good Father. In the low He never left me, I have never been broken beyond repair, or even beyond my own thought of possible redemption.

Now if going from a mountain top experience to the valley isn't rough enough, it is almost just as shocking to be brought out of the valley. Maybe for me I don't feel like I deserve the mountains, almost a false humility that says, "I will stay low so I can be more like Christ." So weird and so far from the truth. His love brings us to a place with Him that is deserved because we are His children. I have found, that seeking Him in the low times, trusting Him in pain and being faithful when I can not understand, leads me back to the mountain.

The mountain for me is so simple. It is so sweet. It is the peace of the Lord. I know a lot of people far more spiritual than I, have peace even in the valleys and I am encouraged by it. When I am in the valley though; I am a wreck. running around like an emotional, crazy girl. Living in fear and confusion and COMPLETELY with out peace. I operate from pain and not trust. But the mountain is so full of peace. A simple calm understanding that I am so held by Christ that even if I don't know what my circumstance is, He does and I trust Him.

So now, as I sit in freedom from my failures. As I trust Him more than ever before, and now that I have more of His peace than I can even comprehend, I am overwhelmed at His love for me. The mountain top isn't about a feeling or of reassurance. For me, my mountain top is His peace. Even if I do not know where to go, or what step to take, what I do know is that I will follow His peace. Blindly if necessary. I refuse to live without it. It is the most precious treasure that I possess.

A Case of the Mondays

Its a strange title, since today is actually Wednesday. I am just trying to make a point...
Have you ever felt like Monday just wouldn't go away? Like the pain of not enough rest or the desire to still be having fun is just sitting over your head, sorta like an ugly rain cloud that refuses to pour... Sometimes those "Monday" days last for weeks?

But what did Monday ever do to deserve the dreadful feeling any way? It has less to do with the name and more to do with the desire to be free. I bet if Monday had a choice, she (i think Monday could be a she) would have opted out to be Friday, or Saturday (an obvious toss up as favorites) or even Wednesday. An hopeful out look to future RR (rest and relaxation, just so we are all on the same page). Really what I am trying to figure out is what is so bad about Monday, that we have to drag it through the mud with us every time we have a bad day.

I would venture to say, that Monday could sum up a hard day or even a few for me.

I have this annoying way of being too optimistic most of the time... Unless you get to know me, then I'm pretty good at venting. Quietly of course, I'd never want to hurt my reputation. I usually see how to make a sticky situation, livable. And I can make a good and appropriate joke during a sad situation. What I am not so good at, is what to do when I get a case of our unwanted friend "MONDAY".

The smiling I can always do. The laughing will generally always be loud. But what about my heart? If it's hurting, or in need of repair of sorts?

As a nanny, what I've learned:

1. Kicking and screaming will get you NO WHERE, faster than you've ever gone before... trust me.
2. Tears, although will produce pity, might void you of compassion (there is a difference) also resulting in little to no gain.
3. Repentance.... DING! Now that is the golden ticket...

Repentance always brings about a favorable outcome. Maybe not immediately, but it produces favor. 

99% of the time the word repentance brings our thoughts to a state or wrong that has been done, exposed, and made right. which is necessary. Some times in my own life it is the realization that I just need to get my self out of the Mondays...

Choosing a favorable outcome is sometimes simpler than you think. YOU JUST DO IT. circumstances and situations play a huge factor BUT the choice is always up to an individual. I can choose my Mondays, or I can choose my victory.

MY VICTORY COMES...

~ In the cross : "For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." 1 Corinthians 1:17
~ By grace : For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God" Ephesians 2:8
~ Knowing I don't have to know : “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived — the things God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9
~ Being everything I truly am : "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
"The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds." 2 Corinthians 10:4

                                                         ^^^^^ Peace out Monday^^^^^

It is so much easier said than done, but why? Why can't I walk in true victory even if I feel like Monday is sitting on my chest and tickling my feet? (the worst kind of torture, Im sure)
Nope... I will walk in the complete victory of my TODAY! Thank the Lord, He has shown us how to get rid of a good/bad case of the Mondays...

What matters most

You're going to have to follow me closely today because my thoughts are so full!

I am so blown away by how the  Lord speaks to me and you just have to hear it...

For the past 15 months I have been blessed beyond all comprehension to have the greatest job on the planet. I am a nanny, to the 4 sweetest little blessings in my life. Not only have I gotten to be in their life consistently for the most important years of development but I am their 2nd cousin. And we are the every holiday, all birthdays, its a pretty Sunday so lets get together, kinda family. Like the I just love you so I wanted to call and talk to you type situation. The point I'm really trying to make is I am REALLY in their lives.

Being so close to them means I have shared in some of the most special moments imaginable. I have helped clean bobo's and I have been able to wipe tears. I have never laughed as hard with or cried as much over any other individuals in my life. They truly make my world so much better. I can think of times when each one of them has gone out of their way to make me laugh, like they really know my sense of humor and want to see me smile. The youngest, at 18 months can even do it. More times than I can count, after saying my goodnights and getting in my car, I have cried all the way home just because I can not believe how much I love these little boogers.

THEY ARE AMAZING!! (got it?!)

This is all leading to the sweetest part... How God uses them to speak to me.

With knowing all of this you would believe that I am satisfied to never leave and you would be spot on. The biggest problem is the Lord knows that, and He refuses to leave me the same. He wants to stretch me and expand His kingdom through me in a mightyyy way. So that is bringing me to the next season of my life.

Africa.

It is such a beautiful thing to hear the voice of the Lord and feel His presence and know His leading. I will always follow Him and where He leads me. Even if that means I wont be comfortable...

OK full circle.

When I think about having to go more then 8,000 miles away from the most precious joys in my life I just can't handle it. I get all weepy and have to walk around to dry the tears in my eyes before they stroll down my face. I have known about this for 8 months now and STILL can not get ahold of myself when I think about it. O and when they ask me questions... It. is. game. ON. I will be in the bathroom running the sink water for about 5 minutes getting out all the water works so we can move on with our day.

Serious business.

But the Lord was so sweet to me the other day to show me one more way he has used them to speak so clearly into my life... I have this calling that is so hard to explain but simply put, it is way bigger than me. I'm talking mountains and ants bigger. I don't understand it, bigger. I am ridiculously humbled by it, bigger. Just BIGGER. And a consistent prayer I have prayed all the while the Lord was planting these dreams in me and giving me such a desire for him was this... "Lord, never let me get in the way, please always be what people see. I don't want to be a good speaker, I don't want to be a pretty face. I want You to always receive the glory in my life. Whenever I do ministry and walk away from a place, if no one ever remembers my name but their life is changed by You, that is all I want." Now He is taking that to a whole new level.

I am just months away from going to Uganda and these sweet babies are going to keep their routine of life. They have school and church and the most amazing parents God could have given them. They love me and I know that. I will always be in their life and I KNOW they won't forget me. I am always welcome in their home and I will always be at their Christmas but things are about to change drastically. I am leaving. Not just for a weeks vacation (which they always give me the sweetest hugs and kisses when I come back from them). I am rolling out like this city is kicking me out. My sweet babies might not think about me everyday!?! They certainly won't see me everyday. I'm not a simple phone call away, where they can ask me to come over tomorrow to play. I am gone, and not forever but they don't understand that completely. 8 months is a large portion of their little lives!!

Can you see why this is slightly emotional yet?

So as I pray for them and the Lord speaks to me so sweetly about his plans for my life it becomes sooo evident what He is doing in me. I have requested all my life that I not be seen or noticed. That I would not feel like I "belong" in the spot light. I have always desired Him to be remembered and His presence to be left from places that I have gone to. WOW.. This is that time!

My soul desires to see salvation come to the nations. For lives to be radically changed for the cause of Christ and people to find their purpose for the glory of God. But leaving these babies and thinking of them not remembering me is the hardest thing I can think of doing. Then the Lord so gently whispers my prayers back to me..

Don't you think I know the prayers you have prayed over them? Do you not remember the words I gave you to speak to their little hearts so they would know how special they are to me? Am I not big enough to use the moments when they are children to affect their entire life?

Now what matters most? That they remember all the times I told them they were the most beautiful little girls in the world, or they just walk their entire lives knowing they are beautiful to God? If the prayer of healing doesn't stay in their thoughts all the time but their bodies are completely whole? If they don't remember me tickling them or scratching their back but they walk in the peace and joy of the Lord... does it matter?

NOW I actually believe that no matter where I go, or what I do, if I can walk away from here leaving the presence of a mighty God and lives are forever changed, the rest of my life I can play the back ground part while God ALWAYS receives the glory.

Luke 18:16 "But Jesus called to them saying, Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God."

Honestly

I'm scared.

Of failing.

Success.

Being everything, everyone wants me to be and disappointing the whole universe.

Of never fulfilling my dreams, goals and visions but more scared of it being even bigger then I can imagine.

Honestly.

I'm really just scared that I'll do it all for me.

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all for the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him." Colossians 3:17

I believe that God has placed so much talent in each one of us. Talent that is bigger then we can possibly grasp with our own minds. It looks us in the face everyday with the option to be used for our own glory, or the glory of the Lord. AND constantly we, as humans use it for our own selfish gain.

I am the worlds worst at it too. I will "humbly" take my deserved pats on the back and file back in line for the next time that I have a chance in the spot light. For the whole world to see my talent, my face, to get a name for myself. Just when I think I have really done something big for the Lord, He will remind me that worldly honor is worthless.

"Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven." Matthew 6:1

And Honestly

... When I remember that, that I just did "something for Lord" but let the glory sit on my own shoulders, it breaks my heart, and makes me sick. How could I possibly think I deserve that beauty, that honor? The God of the Universe was kind enough to allow my insignificant life wake up for another breath in the morning and I am going to take His praise..

O no, not anymore.

I know that I was created for a purpose, for a destiny that no person can stand in the way of. Not even myself. I am going to bring people to the knowledge of a loving Savior and be used to bring freedom to the captives. I'll be His mouth piece and always share the truth. I might walk lonely in the worlds eyes sometimes, but I wont even notice because my eyes will be so fixed on Him. If I am sad, He will turn my sorrow into joy (Jeremiah 31:13). He has promised me to never leave me or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6). He is my best friend (Proverbs 18:24). I trust Him with my future because He has created it (Psalms 33:11).

Honestly

I know that my fears are small compared to my God. I have never gone without His leading and I will continue to seek Him. My prayer is as I grow in the things of the Lord, He will purge me of this world and continue to fill me with Himself, never letting me stay the same.

And HONESTLY

I know I will never get in the way.